Micfo
| There has to be a better way of staying dry in the rain besides an umbrella.Human civilization has worked for thousands of years to make our lives easier, at the expenses of damn near everything else on the planet; so, there's no way that I believe the best way to stay out of the rain is a portable dome on a telescoping aluminum stick.Now, the poncho, there's a way to stay dry.Covering yourself in a full sized plastic sheet makes a lot more sense than walking around with a portable roof.If I have the option, I'll take poncho over umbrella any day.Once while spending an afternoon in Brussels during a particularly heavy downpour, I walked the streets in search of the world's best pommes frites (french, or freedom, fries) wearing a 55-gallon trash bag with a hole poked in the bottom through which I could stick my face.You wouldn't believe the number of people who looked at me like I was a leper, just because I was walking through the business district, during rush hour, wearing a garbage bag.If you've never been to Europe, you have no idea how snobbish many of its denizens are, especially toward Americans.Still, I love America's resourcefulness.Our ancestors, fed up with their old countries, sailed across the Atlantic Ocean and started a new one; regardless of how many Injuns they had to kill, or Negroes they had to enslave along the way, to do it.America is an ingenious countryAmericans were unhappy with the face to face contact required for clandestine, closeted homosexual sex so we invented the glory hole.When our forefathers tired of paying taxes to their colonial overlords, we invented the 'Declaration of Independence' and used it to justify our revolution, even though we declared its principles null and void as soon as the revolution was over.When people wanted a way to entertain themselves and stimulate their gag reflex, the good people at the Fox network came up with 'American Idol' and we the people vomited with joy.We are a nation of movers.Unfortunately, a lot of European ideals are creeping into the American system; people are becoming more class conscious and looking down their noses at the pioneers who see life not for what it is, but for what it could be.The fashionistas, who show off their Gaultier or Cavalli, scorn those of us who stick empty tissue boxes on our feet, with some used tissues at the bottom for padding and comfort, and wear clothes stolen from frozen hobos.Our neighbors spend their weekend days cleaning their Mercedes, Audis, and Lexii, while our cart mules chew the walls of our grass hovels.Politicians conduct polls only with people who have telephones, and pay no attention to the smoke signals I send the local Gallup office.It's time for a change; time to get back to the values that make America great; because this isn't a country that buys a new toaster every time the old one breaks; this is a country that jabs knives and forks into that toaster until we feel the rewarding jolt of electricity that means its working again. |
| Politicians conduct polls only with people who have telephones, and pay no attention to the smoke signals I send the local Gallup office.It's time for a change; time to get back to the values that make America great; because this isn't a country that buys a new toaster every time the old one breaks; this is a country that jabs knives and forks into that toaster until we feel the rewarding jolt of electricity that means its working again.We're a country where the only repair or replacement our TVs ever receive is a quick slap to the top or sides, and a string of muttered profanity.Our country doesn't use paper napkins or Styrofoam containers; we scoop food with our hands and wipe our mouths on our shirts.We now stand on the precipice.Our old way of life is dying; jobs are fleeing to other countries, oil prices are skyrocketing, and international terrorism threatens to destroy us all in its religiously motivated quest for world domination.As we look forward to a new century, I can't help recalling the words of that immortal pop balled that said, "I believe the children are the future."No one ever spoke truer words.Children offer the hope for a better tomorrow; they are our most precious renewable resource."That is why we should look to the children to solve our current energy crisis.Instead of buying crude oil from Middle Eastern states that want to promote their radical religions, we should have more babies.Rather than relying on illegal immigrants to do the jobs we don't want, like picking fruit or cleaning our port-a-potties, we should have more children.Why send our full grown men and women in uniform to fight international terrorism, when we can just have more children.Children can be forced into servitude to create electrical energy by turning giant turbines; with enough children, we can cure our oil addiction within our lifetimes.Children are used to being impressed into the worst jobs, whether its gluing popsicle sticks into shoddily constructed houses at school, or tickling their pastor's balls at church; there is no reason why we can't put kids to work harvesting our produce, mopping our floors, or fluffing our pornstars; besides, children have the tiny hands that would finally allow us to compete with the Asian electronics companies; sure, children's hands are clumsy, but a dedicated, and regimented whipping schedule can take care of that.Our soldiers could sit in comfortable strategic command centers and order wave upon wave of children to advance on our enemies.If we have enough children, we could give them inexpensive weapons like knives, forks, and spoons; that way, when they're done killing, we wouldn't waste money on utensils or food, they could just chow down on their victim's corpses.The best part is that we could use children to solve all of our day to day problems; with enough children, I would never have to hold an umbrella again, because I would have a child to do that for me.Sex Mahoney for PresidentCurrently Listening to:Multi Kontra Culti vs Ironyby Gogol Bordello |
| If we have enough children, we could give them inexpensive weapons like knives, forks, and spoons; that way, when they're done killing, we wouldn't waste money on utensils or food, they could just chow down on their victim's corpses.The best part is that we could use children to solve all of our day to day problems; with enough children, I would never have to hold an umbrella again, because I would have a child to do that for me.Sex Mahoney for PresidentCurrently Listening to:Multi Kontra Culti vs Ironyby Gogol Bordello |
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